


The Hardest Thing

by dayishujia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 13:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4748807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dayishujia/pseuds/dayishujia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a year of infidelity, Arthur decides to break it off with Merlin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardest Thing

When Arthur stepped out of the tram and onto the platform, the rush of autumn air washed over him and brought with it the already-faded memory of spiced cider and crisped leaves. He threw the loose end of his scarf over one shoulder to shield him from the bitter breeze and shoved his hands into his pockets for the same effect as he willed his feet to take him forward. 

Autumn used to be his favorite season, although he knew that once the morning sun’s rays broke over the horizon, it no longer would be. 

Last autumn, Arthur had spent most of his time out with Merlin and it had been one of the best seasons of his life. His girlfriend Gwen had spent that season and the following winter in Montreal with her nose pressed deep in various textbooks and he had been alone. Of course, Arthur had numerous friends he could pal around with but real friends were so few and far between that he could count them on one hand and they were either too busy with their studies or own romantic relationships that they didn’t have a lot of time to spend with Arthur. So, naturally, he fell in with Merlin.

Merlin was Gwen’s friend first. He was Gwen’s best friend since they met in senior high. He was a notorious theatre kid and was desperately scrambling to turn his passions into a career. 

Arthur and Merlin were officially introduced for the first time in university after Gwen dragged him to the production of Jersey Boys. It had been an awkward first meeting; Arthur was never the sort that said the right thing at the right time nor did he know how to interact with people that were so clearly different from himself. Gwen, however, seemed to be made of the stuff that could float seamlessly through the various social circles and she tended to bring Arthur along with her. 

Arthur was an educated man and thus, as an educated man, he knew all about how sexuality was fluid, able to change and evolve as a person changed and evolved. So he was only partially surprised to realize one evening that he was actually attracted to Merlin and not just as a friend but something more.

Merlin was basically the complete opposite of Gwen, as far as appearances went otherwise they were two-of-a-kind. Merlin was about Arthur’s height, maybe had an inch or two on Arthur and so he towered over Gwen. His hair was perpetually messy like he didn’t own a comb and eyes as blue as the midday sky. His sense of fashion was nonexistent; his wardrobe mostly seemed to consist of t-shirts and hand-me-down jeans. 

Of all the things, Arthur was least concerned that Merlin was male. 

Things just fell in with Merlin as they had done with Gwen so when Merlin tentatively kissed him under the pale, star-lit sky, Arthur didn’t know well enough to push him off, to stop things before they started. Instead, he reached out and held his hand against Merlin’s jaw, feeling the hard lines, the residue of autumn chill, and rough stubble. 

When the kiss broke, all Arthur could think about was when he could get the next one. Merlin rubbed his nose against his and Arthur grinned, pushing right back. 

If either of them realized what they were doing, they didn’t mention it. It was only later that week did the implication hit him.

He had cheated on Gwen. 

Although that evening’s events didn’t progress passed kissing, Arthur doubted he would have stopped it if they had. He knew he hadn’t wanted to. 

He had felt so intensely guilty that he was going to tell Merlin off, tell him that they could no longer be around each other because Arthur was absolutely going to be faithful to his girlfriend and he was too tempting. But when the moment came, the words did not. 

However, Merlin did his absolute best not mention it either and there seemed to be a mutual agreement not to mention what had happened. 

So weeks had passed without incident. They still enjoyed each other’s company on a regular basis, practically daily and mostly with other people. The best part was that they were very companionable and friendly, nothing more. It assured Arthur that they could do it; they could successfully go back to the way they were before the kiss.

But the silly thing was – Arthur mourned what could have been between them if he hadn’t been with Gwen. He loved Gwen completely and with his whole heart, but Merlin was Merlin. He a unique sort, the kind of person that never had an equal or an equivalent and that excited Arthur. In Arthur’s head, Merlin seemed to be a god among men or some equivalent thing, though he would die before admitting that aloud to Merlin. 

Despite everything, Arthur found himself becoming equally as fond of Merlin as he was with Gwen. 

There was something captivating about Merlin, be it his smile, his slight accent, his mannerisms, they all lead to Arthur falling head over heals for Merlin. 

So when they kissed once more, two months later and well into autumn, as the credits to some sappy romance movie rolled, Arthur couldn’t be bothered with guilt. He adored Merlin just as much as he did Gwen and, if the feelings were mutual, he hardly felt in the wrong despite the inklings of it creeping in on the edges of his consciousness. 

Gwen had left for her study-abroad stint a month prior and the time Arthur spent with Merlin alone only increased in frequency.

If Merlin had been bothered by Arthur’s infidelity, he never let on and let Arthur kiss him numerous more times and instigated even more himself. He even actively agreed to accompany Arthur to bed on more than one occasion. 

Sleeping with Merlin was an act completely unique unto itself. It was unlike anything else he had ever known, heady and intoxicating. Being able to spend the whole day lazing about and kissing Merlin all without having to leave his bed was something he had never done before. 

Gwen wasn’t fond of lazy mornings in. She preferred having an early go at the day and was often out of bed long before Arthur even stirred. Once again, Merlin proved to be the opposite of his best friend and it endeared him to Arthur even more. 

The sight of Merlin lounging in his bed, hair a mess and eyes barely open was addicting and Arthur knew the first time he was awarded the sight, he would never be able to get his fill of the sight.

The feeling of Merlin wrapping himself around him was simply heavenly and, if Arthur was as skilled at reading people’s faces as he expected, then the feeling was mutual. 

However, all that was a year ago and a lot had changed in all those months. 

Arthur successfully juggled the both of them for a time, without Gwen’s knowledge. Merlin never seemed bothered by it outright, but the look on his face that he tried to mask as Arthur left his bed for Gwen’s spoke more than words ever could. 

All Arthur wanted to do was to kiss that look off of Merlin’s face and climb back into his bed each and every time but he always withheld. 

When Arthur redressed, neither ever said anything. He could always feel the intensity of Merlin’s eyes on his back and could always taste the request to stay on his tongue when they kissed once more, perpetually unasked and unacknowledged because Arthur knew that if he did, he would never leave. And he couldn’t do that to Gwen. 

That’s what brought him to that evening. Gwen was having increasingly serious thoughts about their future and Arthur couldn’t face it with another lover on the side. No matter if that person was Merlin and meant the world to him.

Arthur arranged to meet Merlin at their favorite date-spot. In choosing that particular location to do this, Arthur hoped it would remind both of them how good things had been between them for the short time that they were together. 

As Arthur’s feet slowly but surely brought him closer to the park, he could see Merlin’s lanky frame sitting on a bench, bent over his cell phone. 

Arthur paused to take in the view – Merlin wasn’t going to ever be a break-out model, but he was a wildly attractive young man especially to Arthur. 

Arthur almost backed out of his plan. 

Something in the back of his mind told him that if he didn’t do this, it could continue without hitch for years like it had done for these past few months and he could keep both Gwen and Merlin. However, the rest of his brain reminded him that even considering that was unfair to everyone involved, even if they didn’t know about it. 

So Arthur walked forward until he was standing in front of the bench and Merlin. 

When Merlin saw him, his face lit up and jumped to his feet. He reached out to embrace Arthur but Arthur flinched away. 

Surprised at the rejection, Merlin’s hands had nowhere to go but awkwardly back at his sides. He cocked his head to one side and observed him. “What’s wrong?”

Of all the things, Arthur went with attempted nonchalance with a overdramatic shrug of the shoulders. “Nothing.”

Merlin’s face contorted in a way Arthur might usually find humorous if the situation were different. “Obviously there is. What is it?”

Arthur let out a ragged breath and tugged his fingers through his hair, trying to keep a grip on his resolve. He had to do this. 

Of anything in the world, the greatest weakness Arthur had had to be Merlin. Every fiber of his being wanted to give in to Merlin, do whatever needed to make him smile. Arthur had to fight against those instincts, this had to come to an end and if it wasn’t going to be that night, he doubted it ever would, not without a Earth-shattering explosion later. 

In the pause, Arthur could see the dark circles around Merlin’s otherwise beautiful eyes and the pain of that realization hurt more than a bullet to the foot. 

“Merlin,” Arthur started, speaking low and gentle. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but the sincere expression on Merlin’s face had his breath catching in his throat; all the words he had planned to say died prematurely on his tongue.

Merlin, in an attempt to comfort Arthur, reached out and placed a hand on the side of Arthur’s neck. It was a familiar move, Arthur took comfort in it and leaned into Merlin’s touch for he knew very well it would be the last time he would ever be allowed to do so. 

He had to just say it. Say it and it would be over, like ripping a bandage off – in one, foul, painful movement.

“She’s been good to me,” he murmured as he moved away from Merlin’s touch. “And she deserves better than this.” 

Arthur scrubbed a hand over his face. He wished he could be more eloquent than that but what was done was done and he blurted it out without any finesse at all. 

Merlin’s face contorted once more, this time with confusion, and he slowly retracted his hand. Arthur felt the loss instantly. “Okay,” Merlin murmured, “Okay.”

Merlin had put some extra distance between them and stared at Arthur with a confused frown. 

“Merlin,” Arthur said, holding his arms out beside him and letting them flop to his sides helplessly, hoping Merlin would somehow understand what he seemed unable to successfully convey. “I’m so sorry.”

Adverting his gaze, Merlin shrugged. “It’s all right,” he said, sounding entirely phlegmatic, much to Arthur’s surprise. “We both knew this would happen eventually.”

Arthur wasn’t sure how to respond to that so he didn’t. He felt genuinely sorry for everything, having dragged him about with no promises of the future or fidelity. He disrespected Merlin’s friendship with Gwen and then dragged it through the mud like it was worthless, like Merlin was worthless.

But Merlin was everything. Merlin lit up a room with his mere presence. He always knew the right things to say when it mattered, even though he often said the wrong things otherwise. Merlin wasn’t the person Arthur would have picked for himself but Merlin was the person he didn’t want to let go of.

“Gwen’s a good girl,” Merlin said after a moment of heavy silence between them. His thin arms came to wrap around himself and Arthur wanted nothing more than to hold him himself. “I couldn’t have competed anyway.”

Arthur clicked his tongue and sighed. Hearing the bitterness, the dejection in the other’s tone proved Arthur’s belief that he had done everything wrong by Merlin.

“You’re a great guy too, Merls,” Arthur whispered. He attempted a step forward in an ill-guided attempt at a comforting embrace but Merlin mirrored him and took a step away. 

Merlin smiled a bitter smile. “But not good enough.”

“Merlin...”

“No, no,” he said quickly, interrupting Arthur. He waved his hand about for emphasis, as if waving off Arthur’s sentiment. “It’s alright, I get it.”

“No, you don’t,” Arthur retorted harshly, before he could stop himself. He had raised his voice and instantly regretted it. He didn’t want to fight with him but emotion got the better of him. “You don’t get it, Merlin.”

“What don’t I get, Arthur?” Merlin responded at the same volume. Merlin never backed down from a challenge, something Arthur found endearing about him even in that moment. “Enlighten me, why don’t you?”

Arthur cursed. His hands flew to his hair and messed through it, trying to calm himself before he did anything else rash. Merlin was always a frustrating boy; he annoyed Arthur nearly constantly but that was the fun of their relationship. Merlin never let him get away with anything –neither did Gwen, but Merlin was louder about it and made absolutely sure he understood.

“I owe it to her.” Arthur sighed. He had no better reason than that. That, and that it was wrong to be unfaithful to the two people who mattered most to him.

“That’s weak, Arthur,” Merlin spat his name like a curse, “And you know it.”

“Merlin, don’t,” Arthur warned, raising a hand between them. 

“No, you need to hear it,” Merlin shook his head. His tone now was softer but still rough. “That’s weak. Blaming this on Gwen when it’s you making the choice. You can do whatever you want here, Arthur, but you’re coping out and blaming Gwen.”

“You don’t understand,” Arthur said, “You’ve never got it.”

“No, I do,” Merlin retorted, “I’m just surprised. Never thought you’d be a coward.”

“She’s my girlfriend, Merlin!” 

“That’s never stopped you before!”

Arthur deflated a little but Merlin only stood taller. They stared at each other, sizing each other up and waiting to see who would move first. 

“This,” Arthur waved a hand between them, “was a mistake.”

Merlin blinked. “A mistake,” he repeated, “Tell me, Arthur, which part was the mistake.”

“You’re the mistake!” Arthur exclaimed, growing quickly tired of the conversation. The words escaped him before he knew what he was saying but he knew the damage had been done as he watched the hurt and betrayal flicker across Merlin’s face. 

He hadn’t meant to snap but Arthur knew if he didn’t end it permanently soon, he might back out of the whole thing. 

Merlin schooled his features into impassivity. He put a little more distance between them and adverted his gaze. “I see.”

“Merlin...” Arthur reached forward for Merlin. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do but he hated seeing Merlin upset and an urge told him to fix it, to comfort the boy but Merlin knocked his hand away. 

“Do not touch me, Pendragon.” 

Arthur backed off. He was surprised by both the use of his surname as well as the sheer amount of anger in Merlin’s voice as he said it. He had said his name like it was a curse and the force behind it was like knives stabbing his heart.

Merlin glanced at Arthur a couple times, each time for only a few moments before looking elsewhere. “Goodbye, Arthur,” he mumbled. He opened his mouth to say something else but instead turned on his heel and left before Arthur could even think up a response. 

Despite the means, Arthur had achieved the end that he wanted. The thing with Merlin behind Gwen’s back was over and he could go back to being to devoted and loving boyfriend that she believed him to be. The pain he inflicted on Merlin was just an unfortunate side effect. 

Arthur slowly turned and made his way home. He never confessed his infidelity to Gwen nor had he voluntarily seen Merlin. Gwen and Merlin’s friendship remained perfectly in tact and they often went out together. There were a few times Gwen had tried to convince Arthur to come along on one of their play-dates but each time, Arthur strongly. 

The next time he had seen Merlin, was at the church at his wedding. 

Within a few months of the break-off of his side-thing with Merlin, Arthur decided to propose to Gwen. She had been hinting at wanting him to pop the question for some time and he eventually decided to give in and bite the bullet. So he got his sister to help him picking out a ring Gwen would like instead of something ugly he would have picked out and took her out for a fancy dinner at a restaurant his mate highly recommended. 

Naturally, she said yes. 

The following months were spent in a whirlwind of wedding preparations and everything only seemed to slow down when he saw Merlin enter the church with his arm around the waist of his new beau. 

An entire year had somehow passed and it was autumn again. The chill had just set in, perfect time for a wedding or so he was told. Coupled with seeing Merlin again, all it had done for Arthur was remind him of how it had been before. 

It wasn’t a surprise that he wasn’t coming stag. Gwen mentioned the new guy Gwaine in their friend-circle more than one time and had said enough that Arthur recognized him almost instantly. He also knew the man had a thing for their Merlin and had been pursuing him. Arthur didn’t think seeing Merlin with someone else would bother him. 

Gwaine was the same height as Merlin, with long brown hair that he had tied up in a ponytail in an effort to dress-up despite having not shaved the scruff off his face. His suit appeared as if he had thrown it on haphazardly after sleeping the morning away, presumably with Merlin at his side. 

But really got under Arthur’s skin was the way Gwaine had an arm thrown over Merlin’s shoulders, the way he leaned in to whisper things in Merlin’s ear, the way he walked so closely to Merlin’s side. 

Merlin must have felt Arthur’s stare and raised his eyes to meet Arthur’s. Merlin’s expression was unreadable but it quickly shifted to something more like fond exasperation when Gwaine tightened his hold around his neck and gave him a firm peck on the lips. 

Arthur looked away then and ducked back into the masses to finish preparing for the ceremony. 

 

By that evening, Arthur was married and Gwen was an official Pendragon. Arthur knew he should be beside himself with joy, but he could only manage a smile.

The after-wedding ceremonies and celebrations were held at Arthur’s childhood home, a vast manor in the British countryside. It was a perfect backdrop for Gwen’s dream wedding.

Uther Pendragon, of course, gave a stern, unmoving speech, welcoming Gwen to the family. It was more than a little characteristic of him and his tone never warmed but Gwen got misty-eyed anyway. 

The dinner was entirely too fancy. Everything was picked out and decided on by Gwen and her girlfriends. Gwen must have taken Arthur’s sister’s input very seriously and what was served appeared to be something one would get at a five-star restaurant.

After dinner, the party really began. The hired DJ started playing all the popular dance music and Arthur got so caught up in everything that he forgot all about Merlin and his date. That is, until the first slow song of the night and Gwaine playfully tugged Merlin close. 

Merlin was wholly unchanged. He still shied away, lightly pushing away his beau’s grabbing hands but quickly gave in, allowing him to hold him close and sway him to the beat of the music.

At the same time, Arthur held Gwen flush to him and danced with her like she was the most precious person in the world but he couldn’t help but wonder what if would have been like to dance with Merlin. 

Over the slow beat of the music, Gwen’s gentle voice floated to his ears. “Are you alright?” 

“Hm?” 

Arthur glanced down and saw Gwen staring up at him with worried eyes and smiling lips. She was so beautiful with her hair done up, in her white dress and his heart swelled with adoration.

“Yeah,” Arthur returned her smile. “I’m fine.”

Gwen glanced back where Arthur had been looking and she smiled wider. “Aren’t they cute?” she asked, “I think we’ll be dancing at their wedding before long.”

Arthur swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat. “Yeah?” 

Gwen hummed. “Gwaine’s really great,” she said. “Perfect for Merlin.”

Gwen tucked her head under Arthur’s chin for the remainder of the song. He kissed the top of her head and chanced one more glance over at Merlin and Gwaine. 

Merlin’s head was rested on Gwaine’s broad shoulder, his eyes closed. His arms were wrapped tightly around Gwaine’s middle and Gwaine’s were in a similar fashion. 

After a moment, Gwaine met Arthur’s gaze and tightened his grip around Merlin’s middle. He turned his attention away and simply focused on dancing with his new wife. 

Later in the evening, Arthur managed to sneak away from all the dancing and celebrations for a drink in the courtyard. His father was more than generous to allow the celebrations be hosted at the family manor and for a brief moment, Arthur was thankful for the comfort of familiarity. The comfort only extended so far, promptly fading away as he saw Gwaine walking towards him. 

Arthur looked for an escape but nothing that was discreet came to him. Instead, he took a generous gulp of his drink, wishing it contained just a tad bit more alcohol. 

“So,” Gwaine hummed, coming to lean against the garden wall next to Arthur. “You’re the infamous Arthur. Got to admit, thought you would be more of a supermodel, the way Merlin went on about you.”

Arthur made a face. “Sorry to disappoint.” 

Gwaine chuckled. “Yeah, well,” he continued, “we all can’t live up to expectation.” 

“I guess not.”

“Well, all I want to say is,” Gwaine paused. Arthur glanced at him from the corner of his eye but quickly looked away. “I’m not sure what made you chose... you know, not him. But I’m glad you did.”

Arthur didn’t say anything. 

“I hate what you put him through,” he said in the silence, like he wasn’t going to mention it but at the last minute decided it should be said. 

“Is he happy?”

“I think so,” Gwaine answered, sounding more confident than the phrase alone would have had Arthur believe. “He says he is.”

Arthur nodded. 

After a moment, Gwaine turned to Arthur and gave him a smile. “Well, I’m going to go find Merlin. Congratulations on your marriage, Arthur.”

Arthur nodded as Gwaine pushed himself off the wall and made his way inside. Just as Gwaine disappeared in the manor, Merlin snuck out from the opposite corner from where Gwaine had gone and quickly approached Arthur. 

“He didn’t say anything rash, did he?” he asked without preamble. “Gwaine, he.... sometimes, he... you know...”

Arthur raised a hand to stop Merlin’s stuttering. “It’s fine,” he said, “Gwaine and I were just chatting.”

Merlin blinked a couple times before his expression relaxed. “Oh,” he hummed, “All right, then.”

Merlin stood there for a minute looking unsure of what to do next. He glanced around the garden but it was too dark to really see anything so his eyes fell back onto Arthur.

“Gwaine, he...” Arthur swallowed. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to what he was about to ask but he was going to ask anyway. It was about getting closure and asking would be the quickest path to it. “He’s good to you?”

“Better than you, you mean?” Merlin snapped without missing a beat but instantly looked remorseful. He took a breath and ran his hands through his hair, making it stick out at odd angles. “Yeah,” he answered, “He’s perfect.”

Arthur nodded and took another gulp of his drink, decidedly not drunk enough for this conversation. 

Merlin gave him a look over and Arthur secretly wondered what Merlin saw when he looked at him. Merlin swallowed and looked away. “Congratulations.”

Arthur nodded. “Thanks, Merlin.”

Merlin gave him a haggard smile. “Yeah, well,” he hummed, “Better go find Gwaine before he finds the bar again.” Merlin chuckled and for a moment, Arthur managed to catch a glimpse of what Merlin looked like when he was genuinely happy. “See you around, Arthur.”

Arthur nodded again, realizing it probably made him look stupid. “Yeah...”

Merlin waved and returned to the manor, finding Gwaine waiting for him by the large glass doors. They exchanged a few words before Gwaine wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and steering him off somewhere. They disappeared into the building but not before Gwaine glanced back and gave Arthur an unreadable stare. 

Arthur let out a sigh and took a final sip of his drink before dropping the glass in the empty space on the wall next to him. He gave himself a couple moments to collect himself and will his face into at least a neutral expression before going inside and finding his wife. 

Gwen always knew how to make Arthur feel better, even when he felt the worst. It was one of the many reasons he loved her.

Gwen was inside, still on the dance floor with more than half of their guests. The DJ was still playing poppy, up-beat dance music and either everyone above the legal age was drunk or had too much sugar. 

When she saw him, her face lit up. “Arthur!” she chirped, abandoning her spot on the dance floor to greet him. “Where have you been?”

“Getting some fresh air,” Arthur answered. Gwen smiled at him and brushed her hands over the material of his tuxedo. Arthur smiled at her and moved to hold her face in his hands; Gwen’s smile grew as she reached up to hold her hand against one of Arthur’s. Arthur smiled at that and leaned in for a tender kiss. 

Arthur smiled into the kiss. Bottom-line was that, no matter how he felt about Merlin, he loved Gwen with all his heart. He knew he made the best choice for himself and for Merlin; Merlin had found someone that made him happy and that wouldn’t have happened if he stayed with Arthur.

Part of Arthur was jealous of Gwaine; a part of him still coveted Merlin’s unwavering affections. But he knew that was only natural. He now had a wonderful wife whom he loved unconditionally but a part of him will always love Merlin. 

This was the start of a new life and it was time to face the future and the happiness he could have with Gwen. He wasn’t necessarily turning his back on Merlin but he had to put aside what he felt for him in order to give Gwen the life and happiness she deserved. Arthur was going to do that for her and Merlin alike, who deserved to be happy with whomever he saw fit. 

It wasn’t an ending so much as it was a beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song of the same name by 98 Degrees (The Hardest Thing)
> 
> Un-beta-ed, not Brit-picked.


End file.
